notes on faith

I went to church this morning. It seems odd to write that sentence for two reasons. Until I moved out of my parents house eight years ago I spent almost every Sunday morning at Church. Since then, apart from a couple of Easter services and a chorister stint at a Presbyterian church during university, I haven't been back.

I never felt as though I'd left the church, eight years can dilute cradle Anglicanism, but it's not long enough to wash it away completely. And I had no beef with my faith: so long a part of my life, believing in God and understanding the new testament was as regular to me as breathing. Something I didn't think about much. Something that just sort of happened.

But there was a shift. Or there is a continual shifting. I'm not sure exactly. Perhaps my complacency made me spiritually lazy or maybe whatever faith I had was only ever a learned habit.

I don't think I believe in God any more.

I'm not sure when this happened, if it's permanent, or what to do about it.

A year and a half ago, when I organized my dad's and grandmother's funerals, I remember wondering how non-religious people dealt with death. At the time, I was thinking more about the structure of funerals, the processes of public mourning. I couldn't imagine organizing a "celebration of life" without any rules during the spinning teacup ride that is the early stages of grief. My family would have been paralyzed by the plethora of choices.

Now the question looms larger, like a guy looking for a fight in a bar. "How're ya gonna do it on your own? Huh? Huh? Wanna make somethin' of it sissy?"

I feel akin to the native Hawaiians, who, when forced to convert to Christianity, chose Anglicanism because they liked the pageantry of the "smells and bells" of the High Mass service. I take comfort in the liturgy because I know all the words off by heart and the music, particularly this morning, was excellent. But, as far as I can tell, there is nothing in me beyond a deep appreciation for the ritual, history and scholarship of the church.

Given all of this, is it ironic, that I'm considering singing in a church choir again?

Somehow, no. Singing would be no full court press to find God, rather, choral music is one of the more wholesome salves for my quarter-life crisis panic attacks. And I'm trying to spend more time in quiet, contemplative spaces.

the city is at its best...

... on Thursday mornings between 8:30 and 8:45. When the light on Bloor street is luminous pewter and the grocers are watering the buckets of cut flowers that somehow survive the icy wind.

The to do list:

1. Pay attention. Use my mind more. Float less. The statute of limitations on befuddlement looms.

2. Clean my desk. Last Sunday, a zen Buddhist teacher interviewed on CBC's Tapestry said people seeking enlightenment should clean up their kitchens. I'm neither seeking enlightenment nor do I have my own kitchen, but quick extrapolation led me to conclude: Buddhists seem to have their shit together. The Buddhist guy and I agree that clutter and mess is bad. My desk is a mess. I should clean my desk.

3. Eat breakfast. This has nothing to do with a morning egg-fest being the most important meal of the day. Rather, a commitment to morning eating has unforeseen positive externalities; I will get up on time and keep a reasonable amount of food in the house.

4. Stop procrastinating. An all encompassing task, as I seem to be able to procrastinate about doing laundry as easily as filing taxes.

5. Have more fun.

For Lake Simcoe, turn right...

On Wednesday morning I was in a hurry. I gave no thought to my attire* and forgot my ipod. I also forgot to bring something to read on the subway. Thus, on the 9:15 train, I found myself doing the shifting stare - five seconds on the anti-gambling advert above the door, three seconds on the business woman in the seat across the train, a glance at the floor, seven seconds studying the train map...

Two stops before I alighted, a man walked into my car. He was older, with scraggy, greying, brown hair and a quilted jacket that probably had a flannel shirt under it. He bounced a little as he walked, and, in marked difference to the comatose commuters around him, looked around alertly. Perhaps too alertly. A whiff of crazy or chemically enhanced floated around him.

He walked down the car and stopped in front of me. Close enough that there was no obvious alternative place to look. Swaying slightly (with the movement of the train? with beat of his own drum?) he looked down.

"Those are great boots... And I like your hat. You look great!"
-Beat-
"Do you fish?"

"Uhh... no" I stammered.

"Huh. Too bad." He rejoined, and carried on down the car.

I seem to have found my people in Toronto: crazy ice fishermen.


*I was decked out in jeans, Sorel boots, a down vest, and completely unmatching scarf, hat, and mittens. I probably looked like a homeless person who had robbed MEC...

flight dream

It always happens in the last hour of a flight away from BC. That patch of time after I have to put away my computer and the inflight movie is turned off, and I am maybe filling out a customs declaration card or flipping through the airline magazine and lazily reading the feature article in french.

Relatively unoccupied, my mind drifts toward what will happen when I get off the plane. I'll wrestle with carry-on bags (when will I come to my senses and get civilized luggage with wheels? Only 16 year old soccer team members fly with duffel bags), hike through airport tunnels that smell vaguely of bleach and sweat, and will walk through frosted-glass sliding doors into a sea of expectant people.

I'll wind my way to the exit en route to the bus or train or taxi that will zip me anonymously to wherever home is.

Having thought my movements through, I'll scramble around for transit fare, put my shoes back on, and return my chair-back and tray-table to the upright position.

And for a second I'll let my mind flit to the recurring fantasy:

I'm not sweaty or dehydrated. I've thought to retouch my subtle makeup and brush my hair in the airplane bathroom before the seatbelt sigh flicked on. My luggage is neatly packed in a chic rolling suitcase which I negotiate perfectly. And when I walk through the sliding doors, I scan the waiting faces for the one that lights up when we see each other. And then I'm wrapped in a tight hug and a voice in my ear says "I've missed you."

Left unchecked, I can spin the whole daydream out to include flowers, a quick drive into the city and dinner reservations somewhere warm and quiet.

Regardless of how far it is from reality, on my way out to the taxi stand I allow myself a quick scan of waiting faces, just in case.

surprised

Last night I read the first two chapters of Anne of Green Gables to the children I babysit. And I was entranced by LMM's writing. So much description, such enticing vocabulary. The intricate sentence constructions. So many references to knitting.

Again, I am surprised by that which I thought I knew intimately.

ten things that happened this weekend. (Not a complete list)

1. A tv show got shot. Blind Date is actually pretty staged.

2. I Deduced that my taxi driver was probably high.

3. Poached eggs.

4. Ikea!

5. An extreme rush of happiness produced purely by the confluence of scarlet sheets and an orange duvet.

6. The experience of walking against the crowd leaving the Santa Claus parade.

7. I quaked: No Country for Old Men is suspense-filled. Eek!

9. Estonian beer was consumed. (Also Ukranian, Kenyan, Latvian, Lithuanian, Canadian, Sri Lankan, and German.)

10. Road rash: my bike fell over. While was on it. (This has nothing to do with #9.)

These days...

have been difficult. Explaining would swerve dangerously close to clotting self-pity, suffice to say the real world is kicking my ass.

Days like Sunday are the worst: when I have nothing pressing to do and nobody I want to talk to is in this city and in the silence that is my current stereo-less existence, my mind jerks around the salmon that I reeled in last New Years Day. It jerked around in a frenzy for fifteen minutes, pulling my shoulders out of joint and demanding my numb fingers function. Then it settled down for about five minutes and I caught my breath and methodically reeled it in as the boat trolled back and forth in front of the wall of cloud that sat on the hills of Sooke. We repeated the saga, my salmon and I, for about four cycles, before I got it close enough to the boat for someone to scoop it up in the net and deposit it, writing and gasping on the aluminum floorboards of the boat.

Reeling my mind in took until four in the afternoon when I gave up. Let 'er spool out behind me as I walked down Bloor street into the wind.

the cheese shop

I look forward to shopping for cheese the way some women look forward to a pedicure.

My particular favourite cheese shop is nestled in Kensington Market - Toronto's answer to Camden - around the corner from the fish markets and just up the street from the shop that sells I-don't-know-what but that always has reggae music blasting out the doorway.

The first thing that hits you when you walk through the door (glass, covered in cheese posters) is the smell. Cheese. Fermenting, aging, delicious cheese. On my inaugural visit I was so unprepared for the smell that my eyes watered. I may have stumbled, blinded by cheese fumes.

The shop isn't small, but it seems to be. Along the right hand wall is the service counter, with dockets helpfully numbered. Like going to the bank, cheese shoppers wait in a queue and wait for a free teller. When I am at the front of the line, I walk up to place my order with the cheese-teller. Except I can't see who I am talking to. The entire service counter is covered in a wall of cheese. Massive rounds and block are stacked taller than my head, and the window through which I am talking is above my eye level. I'm actually staring at the label of a jalapeño spiced Gouda.

I ask for Parmesan, and a few seconds later a sliver balanced precariously on a slicer descends over the Gouda. I pop it in my mouth and pronounce it delicious. The disembodied voice of my cheese-teller asks me how much I want and I hold my hands above my head in what I hope is a rough approximation of my weekly cheese consumption.

The voice tells me to pay down at the last docket, and I wind my way through other cheese buyers and head for the door. Ten dollars disappears and I'm shoving a healthy slab of Italy into my bag.

When I get home and open the package, a blast of smell rushes out of the wax paper.

The perfect excuse to make lasagna.

Through a glass dimly...

I spent last week in San Francisco:

Sunshine and a view of the bay every morning. Striding up hills through pine trees - I miss that smell - to emerge at the top of the world. Sand in my hair. Olives and rose (accent acute) under THE bridge. Cafes and more cafes(more accenting). A pirate shop with real glass eyes and a literacy tutoring mandate. Banjos in the park. A mad dash to the Cliff House and an almost perfect sunset. Micro-brewed bitter. Domesticity. The Sunday New York Times. Naps. Drag queens and 11 am beers. Smelly bus people. Dancing in the kitchen. Sorting out our lives while sitting on a rooftop overlooking the skyline. Laughing at cliches (last damn invisible accent). Five old cinemas on Mission St, now used as warehouse shops.Corned Beef Hash.

On Power...

My placid morning walks to work have been usurped by a small asian woman armed with a hand held stop sign and a reflective vest.

I came of age as a pedestrian in Lebanon and Montreal where walk signals were advisory and a charming sense of carpe pavementum prevailed.

The reticence of Torontonians to step off the curb before the little white man appears bemuses me.

However, to the crossing guard stationed at the first intersection I cross in the mornings, the little white man is LAW. (Which, come to think of it, it actually is.)

Traffic or no traffic, all wheel-less commuters must wait for his elusive appearance. We then must continue to wait until the crossing guard has stalked to the middle of the road, held up her stop sign and tapped it with a businesslike briskness, and beckoned the waiting sheep to pass the danger.

Never one to kowtow to toad-stool tyrants, and quite happy to take my safety into my own caffeine-deprived hands, I often walk against the light. If there are no cars, cyclists or moving things that may hit me, I stride forth with purpose.

The crossing guard doesn't like this. The first time I pulled my daredevil stunt she stared me down from across the road. As I passed - still in one piece - she muttered, "Be careful!" in a tone not unlike that of my mother when I left for a date with an unsavory boyfriend.

The judgment of strangers, that's what I live for.

Some variant of the scene has played out most weekday mornings since school began. But I'm not an irresponsible cautionary tale, nor do I set a bad example. If there are children waiting to cross, I wait with them patiently. But if it's just me and the crossing guard and an empty street... Let's just say, danger is my middle name.

Today, she saw me coming and turned her back. I was pointedly being ignored. In a decidedly karmic moment, the usually placid street was filled with whizzing vehicles. I assessed my options, punched the button, and waited for the light to turn.

I work all day with words...

... and I find that when I leave the office I no longer think in words or have the ability to form sentences.

and there has been no time for writing:
visitors
revolving housemates
a second job
laundry

and friends. there are starting to be friends.

pedestrian

So I've learned that Toronto is really big. Things are far away from each other. For example: despite living 'downtown-ish' I actually live 4.25 km from work. My under-exercised body is still in shock that I expect it to traverse that distance twice a day on foot.

But the walk is lovely. Setting off southwards on my street, I admire the well tended front gardens of the Italian families, and compare architecture styles. No Montreal walk-ups here, Toronto is all about the front porches where people relax on easy chairs and watch the goings on of the sidewalk.

I cross College street at the heart of little Italy. The Sicilian Ice Cream Cafe is to my right and a sausage shop to my left. Instead of banners hanging from streetlights there are outlines of Italy in white chrismas lights. Complete with the islands. They look sweet and only mildly kitchy at night, but at 8 in the morning I barely notice them.

Further south is Dundas St, nominally Little Portugal. Crossing Dundas, I wend my way through a park and end up on Queen West. The park is usually quiet in the morning - some runners, pedestrian commuters like me, and occasionally an old man doing tai chi on the tennis courts. On my way home in the evening, the park is full of baseball teams, tennis players of varying caliber, and people walking their dogs.
Every day I ache for a dog. (Perhaps this is the overture of my hitherto non-existent maternal instinct...)

The final stretch is Queen St West. Slightly grotty shops selling clothing I can neither afford nor pull off - I was born without a hipster gene - are interspersed with restaurants, fabric and bead shops and the ubiquitous corner stores, their front steps festooned with buckets of cut flowers. Though I love the flowers, I carry an irrational grudge against the shops for not selling beer and cheap, bad wine.

(I think the archaic alcohol selling system could be ultimate reason I will never fully fall in love with Toronto. The provincial liquor stores are terribly stocked, the beer emporium bears a strong resemblance to Lordco auto parts stores, and the hours of opening are bizarre.)

As I continue east on Queen, the street gradually cleans itself up, such that, by the time I reach Spadina, I've passed a series of chain shops and at least two starbucks outlets.

And then it's into the featureless office buildings and the blacked out windows and heavy double doors that signal clubland. A quick turn south and I can see my office building, the neighbouring Corona bottle gently waving in the breeze.

City: snapshot 1

Through the window of my new office I can see a two story high inflatable corona bottle on the roof of the next building.

the departure: moments of zen

#1. having coffee after pilates class on friday.

mum to the table of pilates ladies: "well, it's been remarkably un-fraught this time, probably because she isn't breaking up or hooking up with some boy..."

#2. having lunch with dear friend R (dfR) today.

R, after I briefly whined about my hatred of packing: "for someone who hates packing as much as you do, you certainly seem to put yourself in a lot of situations that require it."

#3. as I descend, yet again, to the basement of doom (aka: the packing HQ).

frere to moi: "Is that my wine you're drinking?"

Prague - a photo essay

May 22

Prague’s light this afternoon reminded me of Santiago’s haze and a lot of the buildings seem to have similar colours and styles. Also many churches.



Tomorrow we’re checking out the communist museum and finding a café with 60 types of tea.



May 23

Lots of walking today…

The Museum of Communism is housed in a large grand building between the casino and McDonalds – typical?! Lovely high ceilings and moldings. I think the rooms used to be an apartment, but they are now a very well curated chronology of the Czech communist experience. There is a lot of Soviet Realist art – all the workers and peasants had to be hearty and smiling – and a great explanation of the process of building a massive statue to honour Stalin’s legacy. First step: lengthy consultation of the ideological framework for the piece.

When it was eventually erected and unveiled in 1955, Stalin had been dead for 2 years and a few weeks (months?) later Brezhnev made his speech detailing Stalin’s atrocities. Rather embarrassing for the Czechs. It was finally (and expensively) blown up in 1961. Also interesting were the examples of anti-American propaganda. Firstly because it was all aimed at the US, Europe didn’t even figure, and secondly b/c it is so close to the rhetoric of imperialism leveled at the USA today. We got some lovely subversive postcards.

Now we’re sitting at a sidewalk table drinking beer (yet again).


He’s reading Borges – another one I don’t know – and getting excited about the good bits, reading them to me. I think he’s on page 20 and I am already plotting to steal it when he’s done.

Prague is immensely beautiful. The streets are all cobbled and the facades of buildings are decorated with purposeful purposelessness. Other than to bring smiles to the residents, I can’t comprehend the outlay of such design and construction energy. Mamet says the purpose of art is to delight us…


The city swarms with tourists, this café is in a stylish neighbourhood and most of our sidewalk-mates are speaking Czech, but mostly I catch snippets of English, German, Spanish, Cantonese…

I also feel I should have read Kafka, but I have read, an will re-read, Rilke. ~Live the questions now.~ Good advice.

The most important thing I learned at university...

... was how to assemble ikea furniture.

I can't get a job in my field, but I can whip a set of shelves together in no time.

And they're level too.*


*(see previous post re: garage. The shelves are level because I can find the bloody levels. All six of them.)

Summer: an gastronomic tour

Dolmades.


These are not fish.


Nanaimo.


Crave.



Marakesh tea.


Prague picnic.

moving forward, re-arranging

One of the conditions of my gainful unemployment this summer is that I 'lend a hand around the house.'

Before I arrived, mum sent me a list of projects she would like completed in and around the family farm. Most of it involved de-cluttering, and organizing. We are a family of packrats, chronic hoarders, and we are aided and abetted by the house itself which is extremely large with lots of little places to stash stuff that you don't need now but might need one day in the next 25 years. By which time you'll have forgotten where you put those welding canisters (if not forgotten that you had them in the first place) and you'll probably end up replacing them.

Over the past week I've been mired in the garage. A passing glance reveals that it contains two cars, 4 bicycles, two motorcycles, and a random engine on blocks in the corner. And about two tonnes of stuff I can't identify.

It is strange, this situation with my dad. Now, over a year after his death, I do not expect to hear the sound of his keys dropping into the drawer in the back hall, or hear his voice starting answering machine messages with 'hello family...' He is absent, he is away.

But, then again, he isn't. Pockets of the house and yard are so physically imprinted with my father, that they leave me short of breath. The garage is one such place. I'm pretty sure that a visual representation of my father's brain would look like the inside of our garage: the corners of military orderliness, the cupboards overflowing with screwdrivers and ratchet sets, the bits and pieces of projects, a battered but eminently useful radio.

It's tidier now. We can see the back corner by the vacuum tank, and I know exactly how many wire spoke MGB wheels we have.* The screwdrivers are all in a labeled jar, and most of the broken, unidentifiable, unusable in the foreseeable future stuff has been given a new home at the dump.

I guess now the garage has my brain's stamp - which could cause all sorts of problems - but, for the moment, my shoulders don't clench when I walk through, I can find a hammer if I need one, and I've got a new (ish) radio.

*Four on the car plus six extra. Thank you for asking.

I still knit