jealousy.

Nobody will ever say that I am the world's most compassionate or kind person. Really, I'm not even close. I lack tolerance, perspective and general good will.

But usually, usually, I am able to be happy for my friends when good things happen to them. Most of the time I can harness my generosity of spirit and be genuinely glad when they get good jobs, find nice boyfriends, achieve stunning marks or win vacations to Cuba.

Lately though, I have been singularly unable to conjure up joy for the lives of others. In particular, one of my best friends.

It's nothing big: she is pretty much set for post-graduation plans, has enough money to do whatever traveling she wants, and (this is the kicker) is being courted by a most wonderful man. When I say courted I mean it in the old English sense: he sends her funny, intelligent and articulate emails, he brings her flowers and he knows when to leave her alone to study. (which isn't particularly old english at all... just classy and grown up...)

And while objectively I am happy for her, inside I want to die. I want him to let slip some grossly inappropriate comment, or to have bad table manners. I want her to decide it's not worth it. I want to stop feeling like the wicked step-mother in the manger.

I've had enough time alone with my mind to realize that most of this is my own hysteria: the panic of being spewed out into the real world, the lack of sleep, the remnants of a horrific love affair that left me questioning my worth as a person.

It's not terminal. This too shall pass. And as much as I live by the adage that denial is the first step on the road to healing... I have to get this out somewhere. I wish I could be funny about this, witty and humorous and insightful, but right now I feel ravaged, and paralyzed. Like my heart has the kind of 'road rash' that you get falling off your bike aged seven. It goes away eventually, but in the meantime it hurts like hell and looks really bad for what is, realistically, just a surface wound.

"wake me up, wake me up, it's one of us that's screaming"