Hell is...

...other people.

Nina reminded me of that the other day. And for me, on top of hell being politics papers, hell is other people.

Other people in my space, or-more currently-profoundly out of my space. The gaps in space and time that were occupied by now vacant people. Negative people? Negative space? I guess over time we learn to fill in the holes, like puttying the pin holes out of a wall...replacement theory. Or we stich together the tear leaving bulky seams...

Such mixing of metaphors. Mr. Chalmers would have a heart attack.

Jeff was at my house tonight, and while he was nice and funny and tried really hard to take my mind off school and talk about something else (anything else), I wanted to yell at him: "STOP TALKING TO ME!!! Stop looking at me!!! Stop trying to get me to relax!!! I am NEVER going to fucking relax..." It wouldn't have been fair, because he was honestly trying to help, but it occured to me how much more relaxed I would be if I could just scream at him until he left. However, being my well brought up self, I offered him a cup of coffee and let him talk to me about his school work and sports and music. The words washed over me and I realized that I only had to listen to about one third of them in order to make coherent responses. [It is at moments like this when I realize I am a completely horrible person] I just kept making non-commital noises and he kept talking, and I passed the time by thinking about all the stuff I have to do in the next week... Maybe by the end we were both more relaxed?

Rowan has been haunting me the past couple of days. Invading my thoughts when I want to be alone, and making inappropriate comments in the back of my head. Somehow, I think this is normal-he is the most recent reference point-but it irks me. Mostly because I doubt he is having this problem with the ghost of Claire...